Types of Dude Gamers
By Level1Wizard & Zariya
Hit us up on Twitter: @Lvl1Wizard, @gamerzariya
Disclaimers: This is entirely non-scientific and simply for fun, so please read with a sense of humor handy! Written by one male gamer and one female gamer.
Dude gamers… we know you… we love you… we rage at you… we laugh at you… we are you!
The Rage Machine
This dude rage quits and screws over his team, while simultaneously yelling choice profanities through his mic. If The Rage Machine does manage to stay in the game, it’s typically to scream at his team about their poor performance. Everyone’s bringing him down, or the video game is cheating! That’s about the time when The Rage Machine spikes his controller into the ground, throws it at the cat, or into the TV. If only everyone else wasn’t so terrible!
We get it, you just need to get in there. You’ve been waiting all day, and the only thing you want to do is blow some shit up. Using a sniper rifle from a safe distance? Negative. The Kamikaze is all about crushing as many guys around him as possible. The Kamikaze will scream his avatar name and gleefully jump into combat face first. If The Kamikaze dies, he wants it to be in a massive explosion while riding an axe-wielding, rocket-propelled bear, tied to a shark, tied to a nuclear device. Are you shooting multiple guns, throwing grenades and grinning like an idiot? Yea, we thought so.
The Poor Sportsman (aka The Asshat)
“Aw sweet, I made a kill.” Time to stop right over this dead guy’s head aaaaand with a quick squat, The Poor Sportsman has arrived. What’s worse is this symbol of contempt is contagious. One dude does it. The dead guy responds in kind when he respawns, and next thing you know, it looks like a bunch of jackasses are doing crossfit in a video game. Chances are this is the only way The Poor Sportsman is getting any exercise anyway…
The Sensitive Mic
You know this dude can see if his mic is picking up noises and transmitting it to other people. It lights up on the screen. What the hell has he even been looking at for the last hour?! This goes out to the music man who needs to jam out, to the heavy breather who either just ran a marathon or has the mic in his mouth, to static guy who sounds like a bee in a tornado when he’s talking, and to the dude with parents or wife in the background telling him to get off his ass and do something with his life. You’ve found a way into our ears and our life. Thank you, Mr. Sensitive Mic, for mixing it up and being the only reason I switch to the player board during a game.
Saw this on the girl gamer list? Yea, this one isn’t quite as cool. Using “bro” every other word and referring to yourself as “bro” is enough to make anyone into a Rage Machine. This is borderline Sensitive Mic, but the difference being that his diarrhea of the mouth about everything, “bro,” is what drives people insane. However, a solid shotgun blast to the face and hearing his reaction over the mic, which is even better when you’re on the same team, is incredibly satisfying. You’ll immediately hear “Aw bro, WTF?!” Make sure to give this guy a “My bad, bro” and then shoot him in the face again.
When you first heard The Kid’s voice, you asked yourself “is this a dude gamer or girl gamer?” But, it didn’t take long for you to realize that yes, he is actually a dude. We all gotta start somewhere, and chances are you were just as exuberant and could have had your voice mistaken for a female at some point. Just like The Kid in every war movie ever, this dude hasn’t put in the time to become as awesomely skilled and disillusioned a gamer as we are just yet, and his gaming skills are all over the map. Because of his youthful naïveté, The Kid is easily the most teased and razzed person in the group, but he’s also the first one to his team know when he’s pwned someone’s face off, in that endearing falsetto voice.
If you get called away from keyboard to change a baby diaper, then you’re definitely The Dad. Your hands dexterously switch from the chaos of battles to the demands of family with ease. Your playtime is, by necessity, limited and haphazard. It’s a sure thing you’ll get interrupted in the middle of the game because of kid responsibilities or “wife aggro” and disappear for the rest of the night. Thankfully, as The Dad, you usually give advance warning of your impending disappearances. Of course, family time and being a dad is your #1 priority… unless you’re about to level up, then you just need 5 more minutes! Those who aren’t parents themselves may see The Dad as a wonderful reminder to enjoy the luxury of their un-interrupted gaming binges.
Want to know the best in slot gear, the best stats, the best class, and the best spec? Just ask The Theorycrafter… in fact, no need to ask, because this dude is already telling you all of the above. The Theorycrafter will break everything down for you to the 3rd decimal point, he’s gone to all the forums and sims, and he’s already come up with the quickest, easiest, best way to play your class and beat the game. Kinda makes you wonder why he’s still playing, if he knows everything! Chances are, The Theorycrafter will be found playing the most overpowered, “flavor of the month” class, and happily melting faces. Did you account for the boss’s 4.1% dodge and the 6.2% chance proc for extra agility on your weapon? The Theorycrafter already has… and he’s calculated your team’s success rate at 33.3%… repeating of course!
What dude gamer types have you known, met, or been in-game? Leave a comment!